The unrest started as I began a new Bible study entitled “Discerning the Voice of God”. Whenever I did homework for this Bible study, I felt God tugging at my heart about writing for Him. It was a breeze feeling in my soul, almost like an “I miss you” from God. I kept ignoring it like it was just a pesky fly buzzing around my head.
After a few weeks of this, I finally visited my blog. It had been a while since I’d last posted. That’s when it hit me. I had fallen into “what do I have to give?” thinking about my writing and my blog. Not posting for that length of time was proof I had unknowingly slipped into the murky waters of ‘stinking thinking’ once more. Something I just couldn’t put a name to, had choked my words back, AGAIN. So what did I do? I just accepted I was ‘doing time’ in this prison of putrid attitude and turned off my computer.
I told God, in prayer, that there are tons of awesome writers out there. He didn’t NEED me or “my story” to be told. Someone else, no doubt, has said it, or will say it, with more eloquence and grace than I would. I even mentioned my wonderful friend Christina Marie Prather who writes incredible fictional Christian stories that stir every woman’s soul who reads them. One of her stories actually helped heal my own heart, recently, about my relationship with my late father. I also reminded God about my other equally wonderful writing friend, Lori White, who pegs family living, every time she writes, in her awesome blog. Why would He need me?
But His insistence, as I did the daily homework for “Discerning the Voice of God”, could not, would not, be ignored. He wanted MY work out there too. During the time I took this six week Bible study, my pastor taught a series of messages entitled “Cages”. One of his sermons opened my own cage door to shame and guilt that I hadn’t realized I’d been in. I prayed, “Lord, I’m listening, but I just don’t know what’s stopping me from writing for you…”
Wanting to buy myself some time, I told my Master God that I’m here next time He calls. He knew it too, because the following day I received an email from a dear friend about – you guessed it – blogging. Finally, that familiar feeling bubbled to the surface of my soul. The feeling of not only missing my work for God, but the connection I have with Him when I write. “I miss you too, Lord. I’m sorry I’ve let the evil one win of late” I breathed under my breath. “I’ll finish the two books I started for You and I’ll blog regularly.” I promised. Yet, there was a nagging of something not being right. I couldn’t put my finger on what was actually holding me back.
The Family Ministries Pastor spoke on another Sunday, during the “Cages” series, about Moses and his burning bush experience. Moses argued with God about not being good enough to do the mission God called him to do, the Holy Spirit gently nudged me that I, too, am arguing with Him every time I think my writing skills aren’t honed enough or that I’m too cracked to be used by God. Talk about an “ouch moment”.
I felt God’s anger burn against ME when I read Exodus 4:13-14. Moses said, “Oh, Lord, please send someone else. The anger of Yahweh was kindled against Moses,”
Because that’s what I have been doing! So I told the Lord that I’m not going to have another Moses Moment. I realized that by telling God I’m not good enough to write is like telling Him He is a liar. If I believe my God is the same God who told Moses He would be there with Moses, then He will be there for me also. All Moses had to do was carry God’s message to his people and Pharaoh. God would take care of the rest. That’s all He’s telling me to do as well.
“Tell them, Cee. Tell your readers it’s ok not to be ok. That bad things may have happened to them, but it doesn’t mean they are not loved by Me” I hear Him say.
He wants me to talk about victory in Jesus. About His goodness that never fails, even when the world seems to be falling apart. He wants me to lead the abused and abandoned ones into a mental paradise of forgiveness and love and just plain ‘enough’. He wants you to hear this, and more, from my keyboard; my words that tell His story of healing and acceptance, all from a God who loves us so much His Son gave His life to prove the point. But something was holding me back…
Am I ready? Like Moses, I’m standing bare footed, shaking, and thinking about the enormous task at hand. And yes I’m wishing I could get out of it.
I like my life of living in obscurity, tending the little sheep I have in quiet solitude. It is very nice. I’m not sure I want to give it up. But I also know I’ve been given eviction papers by God and it’s time to move out of my cage to where He has called me. To help others cross the river of healing, giving them the message of “It’s ok to dance while you are in the flames” of chaos and pain.
But still I let yet another week go by without writing for God, or getting started with finishing the writings I’d started for Him. I couldn’t figure out what I was waiting for. However, on the final Sunday of our “Cages” series, I understood what was holding me back – fear.
During the last message, I was so lost in thought over knowing God was calling ME to destroy my cage of fear, the cage that had my words locked up, that it didn’t register when my son, Matt, leaned over and said, “Cages are only made from I.F.S. material anyway”
– Eye Eff Ess material? I wondered.
It took a full minute before I focused on the words on the screen ahead that read: “Fear is all about the what ifs” … and realized what he meant.
Yes, exactly! These are my thoughts! What if they don’t like my writing? What if I’m laughed at? What if nobody is truly helped by the words I write? What if I’m judged by my story? What if none of my writings ever get published? What if they feel sorry for me? What if they don’t take me seriously? What if I’m truly not healed and look like a hypocrite? What if….
IFS material… It’s not real, and it’s only in my head… Besides, my mission isn’t to make those things happen or not happen, I’m only supposed to write – God will do the rest.
So let the writing begin!
