I didn’t spell it wrong. I meant ‘loose’ as in voluntarily letting go. Not ‘lose’ as in suffering loss. Let me explain.
This past several weeks I’ve been in a huge spiritual struggle with God concerning my health. I’ve been hanging on so tight, doing everything I knew to ‘make me better’ that when I didn’t get better, but actually got worse, I hit spiritual bottom – then bounced a few times.
I stopped writing my blog because I felt like a big huge failure. “What could I possibly write to help others? I’m not even able to help myself”, I thot glumly.
I knew I had a giant “L” on my forehead for everyone to see.
I began to see myself as a non productive person because I couldn’t even do “an honest day’s house work” which I pride myself in being able to accomplish.
The more I berated myself for not feeling better (because I’d convinced myself my illness was all in my mind, not physical body), the worse I’d get.
The fatal blow to my inner destruction came when I got the yearly notice from the social security office that stated I had not worked enough quarters to be eligible for benefits – and my family would get nothing but a one time benefit of $250 if I died. OH thank you, world, for the birdy poop avalanche on my head! I really needed it just then!
Yes, I was in full drama queen mode! Dress with crown and scepter and all!
Emotionally, I was chasing my tail like a dog, thinking if it would just go a little faster, it would finally catch that thing that’s always following after it. But guess what? It’s not following me, it’s ATTACHED to me. Besides, even when a dog catches it’s tail, it cannot go forward without LETTING GO of said tail! Watch and learn:
That’s when I hit another bounce. I had to face the fact that I actually had a physical problem that wishful thinking was not going to cure. I had to let go of it so that I could look the future square in the face and begin walking straight into it. I cannot think away something that is part of me. I must learn to live with it.
After talking this over with my awesome Bible study small group one recent Saturday morning, I was given the advice that I needed to forgive myself for being sick and just learn to enjoy a slower life style. I know, you were probably already thinking this, right? “Why isn’t she just learning to take it in stride?” right? Well for me, it was a huge shift in thinking.
It’s taken me a couple weeks to digest and absorb this wonderful guidance.
So now I’m ready to loose the control I never had in the first place and rely on God to get thru my now much slower days. If I’m truly going to understand the verse in Philippians 4:13 that says “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength” I am going to have to trust God to give me that strength through my faith in His Son.
The weather is getting way too hot for the whole drama queen attire, anyway.
Are you hanging on to something that you really have no control over, too? I encourage you to loosen that grip, and give it to the One who really does have the control, God Almighty.
Dear Lord, please forgive my prideful thinking and erroneous self loathing that actually made me more ill this past several weeks. Please heal me of the lupus symptoms as I look to You for help in order to learn how to live a slower life style. Help me to be more dedicated to You and less driven to find ways to be symptom free. Thank You for the tough lesson of allowing myself freedom to feel unwell on the days I need it and thank You for the good days too. In Your Son’s Name I pray, Amen.
