Cee’s Thots

Last fall, I took a 10 week Life Coaching course with my esteemed friend, Nancy from Quynnessentials. My goal was to clean up my office and get my business records caught up.

Wow, what happened during that 10 weeks was such a life changing, and spirit changing experience. Nancy not only helped me get motivated to clean my office and put my books in order, she led me into my ‘inner castle’ to answer the question of why I matter as a person. It’s the place we all have within us, the place our soul and self esteem resides. She had to work on me for weeks before I could attempt this journey, but I’m so glad I finally took it.

What follows is the story of my ‘Castle Experience’. I pray the Lord blesses you as you read it.

My Castle Experience

Nan asked me to answer the question “Why I matter”. This has taken me back several steps. My stomach is in knots when ever I think of answering. How can I matter? I’m just a housewife. Never went to college, never have been successful in business. I have felt, for years, like a big fat failure. So to delve into the ‘why I matter’ subject has been difficult.

After a lot of tears and prayers, I finally have the answer.

I need no reason to matter, other than the fact I was born. However, my life matters to the family God gave to me –

• Rick – I give love, stability and comfort to him as his wife and life long help mate. His unconditional love for me has helped me understand God’s unconditional love for me also.

• Matt – my first born – I am an anchor to him spiritually and emotionally. My unconditional love for him helps him see God’s love for him.

• Mark – my second born – I am hope of love and forgiveness he longs for in himself. He is not sure if he’s truly loved by God. I give him hope that maybe he is loved by God by showing him unconditional love. My prayer is that he finds love for himself, turns to God and follows Him.

• Michaela – my third born, the baby – I am everything to her right now, her example, love, unconditional acceptance, an anchor spiritually and emotionally, the wind beneath her wings.

• My brother Randy – I am his only blood family who’s been there his whole life, loving and encouraging him.

• My sister in law, Dawn, Randy’s wife – I am encouragement and hope of unconditional acceptance of herself. My success in this journey will help her find success in her own journey of self acceptance.

• My niece, Amanda – I am thorny hope. She doesn’t like my thinking, but wants love and hope for the future. She is afraid to let her guard down due to her own past hurts. My stability in showing her love no matter what she throws at me, helps her hope.

After fully absorbing how I do make a difference in my immediate family, I have decided to face the “Why I Matter” room in my castle. I have invited Nancy for support; we are hand in hand as we walk up to the door. I feel like a terrified three year old right now. I have two guards at the door, one on each side; Self Acceptance and Courage. I feel I’m going to need these two Friends and Helpers the most as I open the door.

There is banging and scratching against the door. Something is also howling behind the door. I am trembling. Nancy looks at me and says “When ever you’re ready, My Friend.” I reach for the knob and put my hand on it – it’s warm, not cold as I’d suspected. I open the door and find a room stuffed with what looks like furniture that has been covered w/ sheets. There is a huge bay window opposite the door. The window is open, causing wind to whirl around the room. That is the howling I’ve been hearing from behind the door. As I open the door fully into the room, the door scrapes on a rusty tin box. Oh, that has been what was ‘scratching at the door’. It has been rustling around the room when gusts would bustle through. It’s not scary in here at all. Actually, it’s sunny and warm.

I walk through the door, and to the beautiful bay window, weaving through the covered items. The view is spectacular and the seat in the window is inviting. I look for Nancy but Nancy hasn’t come with me. She tells me that it’s ok and I must do this work myself. She will be here in the hall to encourage me. I see her sitting on a comfortable settee with an accepting smile as she tells me “It’s OK”. I sit down and take everything in.

I look out the window and admire the beautiful green meadow below, with trees lining it just like it would be in the movies. There is a small brook traveling through the landscape, happily bubbling along. The warmth of the morning lifts garden smells up to me. I breathe in rose, jasmine and…. Mint….. These scents gently relax me as I am just getting comfortable BEING in this “Why I Matter” room.

After some time, I begin to look at the sheets covering the furniture and realize they are old beliefs I have clung to most of my life. Each is labeled with a lie I’ve thought was truth for way too long. “I only count when I’m perfect” is the first one I feel I can tackle. As I pull the sheet off, I take it to the window and shake the dust off. When I turn around, I see there is nothing underneath the sheet. These are just empty lies! I let go of the sheet out the window to drop to the ground.

Armed with this knowledge, I look around for the biggest lie. It’s the one that has been bothering me for a long time. Ah, there it is in a corner under what looks like a heavy canvas cover. The lie of “I don’t deserve anything good or good things to happen to me”. I tug at the canvas but it doesn’t budge. What? I’m so confused…. So I grab it firmly and pull, but it’s too heavy. It doesn’t move. After tugging and pulling for several minutes, I give up, sit on the floor and begin to cry…. I think to myself “Maybe I’m not supposed to have good things?”

I know this is something I must do myself but I ask Courage and Self Acceptance to help me. With their help, the heavy canvas moves a little. It takes much work and strength but we finally are able to heave it out the window. It’s a beautiful sight as the canvas slowly floats to the ground. I stand at the window for a few minutes recovering from the struggle and enjoy the victory. Upon turning around, I notice fear has totally left me! Once I evicted that old belief, I gained so much confidence. I thank my helpers as they return to their places outside the door.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” Rings out in my mom’s voice, “You’ve always thought you were better than everyone else.” echoes in the room. It plays over and over again. Alarmed, I look to Nancy outside the door. She tells me “It’s ok, it’s only an old record player. Find it and stop it”. As I look around for it, the pounding of the words begin to make me feel weak and nervous. Who do I really think I am, after all? Do I think I’m better than others? I am pondering these thots as I trip over a small box. I see it’s a solar powered recording device that turned on when light was shed upon it as we moved the biggest lie. It’s a small little box. How can such a small little box make so much noise? I wonder. It plays its taunting lie once more and I smash it on the floor into little pieces never to play again. I take those pieces of lies and throw them out the window into the mote below, never to be heard or seen again. “Who do I think I am? I know I am a daughter of the Most High, the King of the Universe and I know I am lovable and lovely and worthy to enjoy this life He gave me. That’s who I am!” I yell triumphantly out the beautiful bay window.

Assessing what work I have left, I see a few smaller old beliefs had to be dealt with – “I’m not good enough” was staring me in the face. I look at it head on and say, “I am good enough, and I’m just as good as anyone. I may not have a skill or knowledge that another may have but that doesn’t mean I’m not good enough!” I say as I tear the sheet off and fling it out the window.

I storm straight to another biggy. I want to deal with this while I am on a roll – “I must be worthless because my father told me what a disappointment I was to him for only becoming a housewife instead of a doctor or lawyer or something important” – I find myself screaming at it, “I’m NOT a disappointment because I CHOSE to be a Domestic Engineer! In my staying at home with my kids, I have been able to provide a safe place for several kids over the years, whose moms worked. I took them to and from school, cared for them and I made a difference in those little lives! I have helped my kids and husband in ways I would not have been able to, if I’d have worked! My husband and I did what WE thot best and we are OK with this life long decision!”

As I tear the sheet off and throw it out the window, I see there is “rejection” under it. I’m crying, sobbing, why? Why? Why did my father reject me? What is so bad about me that he stayed away my whole life and then told me what a disappointment I was when I was an adult, and write me out of his life in his will before he died? Didn’t he know I just wanted his love and nothing more? – After a few minutes, I feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit gently tell me that it was not me or anything I did. It was my father’s problems that were so big, there was no room in his castle for his children…. Forgive, let go and love….. I sigh, letting it all go…. He’s dead now anyway, and the past is the past. I whisper, “Thank You Lord, for the comfort.”

As I stand up, I realize I am using the sheet of rejection to wipe my eyes and nose. It’s turned into a tissue! I wad it up and put it in the waste paper basket. However, there are still cobwebs of hurt left behind in this area. I stare at them. I reach out and feel how sticky and strong the fibers are…. Yet delicate… and easy to wipe off into a ball and put into the trash can with the used tissue of rejection.

“My value is tied to my success as the world defines success” is next. This one is taped on securely.

It is sticky tape. I have gotten it all over my hands and am now doing my best to get this under control. OK, I’m going to have to work on this a while, I see. I decide to slow down my work and become more methodical in unsticking this mess…. As I ponder and work, I realize it doesn’t matter if my business or writing is ever a huge money maker. Just as I was devoted to the kids I babysat when my boys were younger, for much less than normal babysitting fees of that time, I need to focus on who ever God puts in my life. He has always provided for me. He will never let me go hungry, homeless or naked. I must always work for HIM in my work, and HE will see to the rest…. My candles and my writing have nothing to do with making money. They are ministries. Relief washes over me. Before I realize it, I’m unstuck. The tape is no longer sticky and I just fling ‘success as the world defines it’ out the window.

OH, as I turn from the window, I see a little vignette I haven’t noticed before… it’s a shrine… a shrine to my mom??? What on earth?? On the table, I see pretty little boxes with writing on each one… “I must put others ahead of myself or I’m selfish and uncaring” and “You can’t succeed at your interests because you will become conceited” were written on these boxes in my mom’s beautiful hand writing. …“If you mess something up, you have messed your whole life up, you blew it and you’re a loser forever” is a poster on the wall above the table. It was put up with many tacks to make sure it would stay permanently. I rip it off the wall. I refuse to look at that one second longer. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s not the end of my world if I make mistakes, it’s only the end if I don’t address and correct them!

I find myself admiring the pretty boxes. What am I to do with them? They are too pretty to get rid of… Hmmm….Wait a minute!

Hasn’t this been the trap all along? These lies ‘look’ pretty but are toxic. I pick the two boxes up, meaning to throw them out the window, too. I realize they are too heavy to carry to the window at the same time. I must deal with each individually.

Picking up ‘selfish’, I walk to the window seat and sit down with it. It feels so comfortable in my hands. Emotions of longing for my mom’s acceptance and love are evoked as I look at the beautiful scroll work and admire the delicate workmanship… wait, the design is nothing but MANIPULATION of the wood! I’ve been manipulated by my mom and that lie all my life! No wonder it feels comfortable. That’s all I’ve known! Standing up, I address this lie verbally. “I am not selfish for taking care of me. I have a need for the boundaries I’ve set up. I cannot fill another’s needs if my own are depleted beyond recognition. Loving Me is NOT selfishness!” I yell at the box as I toss it as hard as I can out the window.

I walk back over to the table and pick up the “success is conceit” box. OUCH! Thorns are all over this box and have pricked me deeply. I didn’t see or feel these thorns before on this box. I ask myself, “Where have they come from?” By the time I get to the window, blood is oozing from the cuts that this pretty little box caused. I put it on the window sill and look at it as I dab the blood with a tissue…. Why are there thorns on this box? I wonder…. Wait, I have just dealt with the success as the world sees it issue. I know, now, that success comes in all kinds of ways… so what is the true lie here? “Success leads to Conceit” has been drilled into my head… conceit is another form of selfishness…. Oh, so the lie is I’m selfish if I am a success, just as my mom had told me I’m selfish if I don’t put others before myself….. It’s another manipulation to keep me down. That’s why the box didn’t want to be picked up! Well, it’s going down, alright, down to the mote, in the water, never to hurt anyone in this castle again! I reach up with my foot and kick that prickly little box out the window! That felt good!

Looking around the room, I see it has been cleaned out, cleared out and freed from the lies that were in it. I shut and lock the window and walk toward the door. Oh, wait… I notice the rusty tin box is still by the door as I walk toward it. I reach down and pick it up. I open the lid and inside I find a note. It reads “You are Loved, Signed – Yah”. I smile as I carry the rusty tin box out, shutting the door behind me. Love was ‘scratching’ at the door all along. Nancy is waiting for me. She gives me a huge hug and tells me how proud she is of me and how she knew I could do this.

My heart is light as we head out to the ‘secret garden’ for a coffee!

Thank you, Nancy. I couldn’t have done this without you. Now it’s time to go out and have a marshmallow roast with the fire I will build from the trash I threw out the window upstairs.

I’ve done it! I opened the room of why I matter. I have successfully dealt with the lies and the memories. I understand I matter because I AM matter made by The Master of Matter – period.